If we can’t beat this Liberal Party now, Canada’s conservatives ought to give up and, recognizing Canada’s bi-national origins, look first to the baser side of our national character and next for a white flag. Going into their convention this weekend the Liberal Party is faced with a party base which is seemingly moving to the left of the NDP and a party leadership so directionless and confused that, if the recent actions of their official leader serve as any guide, they’re probably incapable of figuring out which bathroom to use without extended consultation with their spouse and/or life partner.

What we’re faced with now is a dangerous combination. We have a weak and directionless Prime Ministers whose only apparent goal is to retain the power that he is manifestly incapable of exercising. We have an opposition incapable of opposing anything that this Prime Minister does because they apparently fear the voters more than any other thing. And, finally, we have an increasingly leftist Liberal Party base which appears to be under the control of, well, no one.

Forget gay marriage, for a moment. We know that it’s going to happen. Martin is willing to whip the votes of his caucus, if necessary. Harper’s not willing to use the Notwithstanding Clause. The deal there is, sadly, done.

Now the question is simple: what comes next? There’s a strange sort of spirit about in the land. The Canadian left is emboldened by their victories on gay marriage, the Iraq War, and missile defense. Their exuberance leaves them eager for the next step, whatever it is, and every victory fuels their ardor. In my nightmares I see them as latter-day Red Guards, rampaging across the land in a bloody quest to purge all that fails to measure up to their standards of revolutionary purity. I see their apocalyptic sweep across out land destroying the last vestiges of decency and common sense. Trust me, friends: it will all end in tears.

To begin, the Liberal Party is playing a dangerous game with the United States. I don’t know if they’re doing it be design (because hatred of Americans does seem to go down as well in Canada these days as hatred of Jews went down at Oberammergau in 1930) or by accident, but the increasing provocation of the United States by our government only promises trouble. To begin: I think that we’re well into the process of instigating a trade war.

The rejection of missile defense isn’t premised on rationality: it’s based entirely upon a visceral hatred of the United States. America offered Canada full participation in a defensive shield, including the ability to bid for contracts, in exchange for nothing other than moral support. The Canadian response, so far as I can tell was, “fuck you, but defend us anyways.”

Of course, if we do manage to blunder into a trade war with the United States, we get into some very dangerous ground. The traditional refrain of the radical left, when it comes to trade with the United States, is that we ought to attempt to gain leverage by cutting off exports of power and water, on the theory that such actions would bring the United States to its knees.

The problem with that scenario is that it fails to project far enough into the future. Imagine, for a moment, that some hostile Canadian Government actually miscalculated badly enough to try such a stunt. What do you think that the government of the United States would do next? The Americans are not a passive or a gentle people when it comes to assaults against their country or their economy. Americans do not take kindly insults to their flag. Do you think that, under such conditions, the United States would really roll over and give Canada what it wants? Hardly!

If I were the President of the United States and some Canadian Prime Minister was foolish enough to try and cut off power and water shipment to the United States, my response would be swift and deadly: I would invade Canadian soil and physically seize power generation and water shipment facilities. I would order that deadly force b used if Canadian police, armed forces, or citizens attempted to interfere in such operations and I wouldn’t leave until the Canadian Government agreed to pay a large amount of cash as reparations and promised to never allow such an interruption again. If the Canadian government attempted to seriously resist, I’d depose it.

The United States is slow to anger but, once you have its attention, you’d best have either a thousand nuclear bombs or a space ship to take your to Mars if you wish to live. Those in Canada who take delight at hating Americans would do well to remember this.

Even allowing for the hope that the Red Guards will fail in their apparent ambition to bring on a made-in-Canada version of the apocalypse (think of it as being to the real apocalypse what a CBC movie is to a real movie), we can be reasonably assured that they will not be appeased in their ambition to turn Canada into a Continent-spanning version of San Francisco.

Among the crazier notions on the agenda for the Liberal Convention are legalized prostitution, legalized drugs, and seats in Parliament set aside specifically for Indians.

One should remember: these are the policies that actually made it to the convention. Only the Lord knows what sort of insanity was voted down along the way. These resolutions are, in essence, contestants in the party policy playoffs.

The thing that truly appalled me about the prostitution legalization resolution being put before the Liberal Convention wasn’t the idea, but rather the way in which it’s been presented. I know a little bit about what’s motivated the people in the Liberal Youth to propose the legalization of prostitution. More than anything else, they’re motivated by the (in my opinion flawed) belief that legalization will prevent a repeat of the actions of serial killer Robert Pickton, who managed to murder dozens of prostitutes over a period of many without anyone, well, noticing. So I get that.

What really bothers me is the wording of the resolution. The author complains that, “criminalizing acts related to the sex trade also perpetuates a negative social stigma surrounding sex trade workers” and declares that, “the sex trade is a profession central to the subsistence of many Canadian citizens who deserve the same workplace safety and social respect as any other member of our society.” This, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is Looney-left stuff.

It is one thing to believe that legalizing prostitution will keep prostitutes or the radar of society and thereby keep them from harm. It’s another thing altogether to drive through the Downtown Eastside shouting, “You go girl!”

We all agree that the sex trade exists and that it isn’t going away. But I think that most of us would also agree that minimizing the number of women sucked into this evil world should be of the highest priority. I realize that talk about the “White Slave Trade” may be a little passé these days, but I do not believe that I could be fairly criticized if I assert that no rational person dreams (or should be encouraged to dream) of whoredom as a lucerative avocation.

The most humorous bit about the whole thing, of course, is that legalization won’t even help the women who those bold Young Liberals seek to assist. I do not wish to be crude, but the economics of a legalized prostitution business are not geared towards the utilization of the services of women of the sort who Robert Pickton killed. Unless we simply legalize solicitation on the streets (in which case, so far as I can tell, we’ll have achieved nothing at all), the majority of the women working in the segments of the sex industry with which we are concerned at the moment are going to have a very difficult time finding employment.

The only way that legalization, as they envision it, would work would be if it was combined with a major effort to sweep clean the streets of many of Canada’s cities. Of course, that could also be done without legalization as well so, therefore, my presumption is that the authors of this resolution would not be supportive of such a move.

On drugs, the proponents of the legalization of marijuana use the same arguments that all advocates use. “Pot,” they claim, “doesn’t kill anyone.” And so it doesn’t, so far as medical authorities are concerned. What they don’t mention, of course, is that anyone who did die as a result of the long-term use of the drug would, in all probability, have their death classified as “smoking-related” – tobacco smoking related. Cute, to say the least.

In any case, I don’t much care at this point if pot is legalized, on one condition: I shouldn’t have to pay for social services for any users of the drug. I wouldn’t hold your breathe on that one, though: not only does the convention was to legalize pot, but they also want to guarantee a minimum income to everyone in Canada a move which, I am certain, will be celebrated in every crack den in the land.

Of course, if most of the Liberals had their way, we wouldn’t have any “crack dens” anymore, since they’d all be owned by the government.

The Liberals seem to be believers in socialism of the vice. The addicts, they think, should own the means of their addiction.

If everything goes according to the present plan then in about ten years or so a British Columbian should be able to buy cigarettes and alcohol only from a government-owned liquor store, before going to a municipally-run gambling establishment to win money to buy crack cocaine from the Canadian Narcotics Distribution Authority on the way to a enjoy the deluxe oral service package from the local outlet of Erotic Services Canada/Services Érotiques Canada.

As time goes on, it seems, government in Canada is becoming indistinguishable from government by the Mafia. Like the mob, it seems, the government will soon run the drug trade, the prostitution trade, the booze business, and gambling. It’s no wonder that the big crime families reportedly have friends within our government.

So far as I can tell, the only distinction which will soon exist between being ruled by the Federal Government and being ruled by the Mafia is that the Mob would probably provide better services for lower prices and that the streets would be better policed.

Finally, I can’t shut up without saying at least a word or two on the absurd plan to set aside fourteen seats in the House of Commons for Indians. This has already been enacted in New Zealand, so it’s quite possible that they might try it here. In fact, if the Liberals are real smart, maybe they can remake the whole of the House of Commons in keeping with our self-image as a “community of communities.” To add to the Indians seats (which, inevitably, will be all won by the Liberals or the NDP) they can add a pair of safe Liberal seats allocated to the Tamil Tigers, another two for Moslem terrorists, and so forth, running down the list of every other Liberal interest group. Finally, they can split up white men and women too, while they’re at it, allocating them separate seats. All in the interests of our diverse mosaic.

If you’ll excuse me now, I’ve got to go throw up.